MJ Usetobe, The Art of Crisis
Interviewed by MJ Usetobe
The interview took place over three days. Beginning with some exploratory discussions during late December 2011, the final sessions were completed by the middle of January 2012. All conversations, save for the last (the only one transcribed here), were conducted at the same location – a dark and rather frightening (at least to this interviewer) recess deep inside Dr. Usetobe’s temporal lobe. The concluding meeting, an altogether more tangible affair, at which Usetobe extensively cut, revised and re-drafted much of the transcripts, took place at The Little Owl, on the corner of Bedford and Grove, NYC.
As a prerequisite to the interview Usetobe insisted that he was not interested in responding to questions relating directly to his political and religious beliefs. Whilst acknowledging the importance of such aspects to his life he expressed a very specific desire to use this rare interview as an analytical tool to try and dissect some of his noted personal characteristics, as he put it; “I want to address aspects of my soul and sanity and say some things about my relationship with myself that should have been articulated a long time ago.” Furthermore, he flatly refused to comment on what he considered to be either trivial or pointless enquiry, or on personal style or habit. His demeanour, more often than not was brooding, however he was always enthusiastic to begin each session. He speaks in gentle tones, with fluency and contemplation in equal measure. Usetobe listened carefully and was deliberate in developing his answers in a clear and serious manner. Sometimes however, he was prone to dark humour and irony in concluding an answer, playfully supplanting his original reply with deliberately ambiguous appendicies. He would often pause to make brief notes in a small red moleskin notebook; he drank strong black Colombian coffee throughout, dressed casually, and wore, off and on, wire-framed spectacles suspended around his neck by a fine red cord.
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INTERVIEWER
It has been a hard process in securing this interview, indeed it has been said that you have been bordering on the reclusive. Could you start by explaining your apparent reluctance to speak?
USETOBE
Well … I would like to know who said that I am reclusive. I think there is a big difference between being reclusive and being say, solitary. Certainly I am solitary, but only in the way that I like to think optimally or that I like to solve problems by calling on something from within; I have an existential outlook, or ‘in-look,’ [laughs] that I have always relied upon. But I have never sought a reclusive life – I enjoy the company of others too much. Of course I have certain characteristic traits, mostly bequeathed or imposed, but I do not consider reclusivity to be one of them. I would love to be more frivolous, outgoing, light hearted, more outrageous even, but I am who I am – I am hamstrung by a combination of my own expectations and limitations, both of which were brought about as a direct consequence of the way I was brought up, the people I have met and the life I have led. [Pauses and sips coffee] …now if you you’d asked me about ‘estrangement,’ that’d be a whole new ballgame. I’ve taken estrangement to a new level.
INTERVIEWER
Could you expand a little upon what you mean by “characteristic traits, bequeathed or imposed” and “expectations and limitations?” Are you referring to something from your childhood?
USETOBE
Certainly, the two things are related of course. I don’t want to get distracted however by the obvious ‘I blame my parents for everything’ scenario, but there is no getting away from the fact that we are all endowed with a set of values and characteristics that may or may not sit comfortably with us as time passes. From my own perspective, I was aware from a relatively early age, maybe ten or eleven, that I was ill at ease with the what I understood to be the guidelines my mother and father set out for me. My parents married at a ridiculously early age, they were both children themselves – both teenagers; both learning how to deal with their mistake [me]. One result was that I was an anxious child; always lacking in self confidence and never having a source of direction or guidance. It’s like asking a blind man for directions, you might get sent anywhere.
As for expectations and limitations. This is a more complicated. Again it goes back, back to a time where I was not made aware of the importance of education or of pushing myself to excel – at anything. At that time, when I was approaching teenage, my father worked long hours and drank a lot when he got home. My mother was left to bring me up as best she knew, largely on her own. I think my ‘limitations’ were imposed at this point; I can remember thinking that I wasn’t going to amount to much. I think that’s rather sad – not even having the desire to escape that way of thinking. Yes, my worldview was capped at around that time I think. Probably later, when I went to university, was when I started to play ‘catchup’. But it took a huge effort to extract that earlier mindset – it had deep roots. Since that time I have been imposing ever increasing expectations on myself in an overly compensatory manner that has now become an obsession. I don’t have balance in that respect.
INTERVIEWER
Would you like to go back and expand on your comment relating to estrangement?
USETOBE
No. Not specifically.
INTERVIEWER
I’m not sure what you mean by that.
USETOBE
I mean that I don’t want to jump right in and specify the nitty gritty of what a lot people already know about that aspect of my personal life. Maybe it’ll creep out …slowly.
INTERVIEWER
Is it painful for you to discuss?
USETOBE
Not anymore – not painful, but I guess it sits a little uncomfortably with me. Let’s move on.
INTERVIEWER
Do you have any siblings?
USETOBE
No, I am an only child [laughs], another stereotype. I had imaginary friends though.
INTERVIEWER
You have been outspoken about aspects of your depression; could you tell me about this and perhaps expand upon how this has affected your work and personal life?
USETOBE
I have good days and bad days – I cry a lot; I can be completely fine one day, one minute even, then ‘bam’ I’m in the depths. There’s not much more to be said really. The manifestation of clinical depression is well documented – you don’t need me to attempt a description. For me, it is the search for that moment, that event or series of events, that cast this whole damn veil upon my life. For the most part I just live with it – I try to kid myself into believing it is related to this, related to that. My wife has helped me through a lot – but … there are brick walls, blind alleys; places only I can go. I have such clearly defined ‘no go’ areas in my head, there are big warning signs and flashing lights in the road-map of my mind, but the hell of this thing is that I keeps on being drawn back to the bad places. It’s seems such a simplistic thing to explain, but the subtleties are boggling – to me at least.
It has certainly affected some of my choices relating to my work and I’ve certainly under performed in certain areas; mostly on a personal level I think. It can get in the way on so many levels but I think I’ve become fairly good at keeping an even keel, so to speak. But I guess you’d have to ask others for some true perspective. My personal life has been a mess, a shambles. Ok, so now we touch on the estrangement – you got me! [Usetobe feigns a grimace and shifts his posture – backward] I’ve managed to hang on to my kids and my wife but I’ve lost everything else, everyone else. My father thinks I’m crazy or some kind of opportunist sniper – probably both, and my mother – well she just blows in the wind, she just follows in the wake of my father’s rages. I inherited all of their inadequacies; my lifelong battle has been to bottle them all up and not pass anything along. It’s a poison that eats at me from the inside. There is a Twain quote; “anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured,” and it’s true but there remain significant dangers if it spills, dangers to those that I love most. My job is to keep the stopper in place, to manage and limit the danger that I bequeath or let loose by some form of osmosis. At least if I am cognisant of the dangers – I can take measures to mitigate the effects of my disease.
INTERVIEWER
You’re upset. We could stop. [Usetobe, clearly distressed, takes a moment and gestures to ‘keep rolling’]. Ok, I don’t want to push you on this but one thing you said puzzled me; you said your father thinks that you are an ‘opportunist sniper’?
USETOBE
My father operates in a monochrome reality. He doesn’t have a facility for anything other than a very narrow bandwidth of black and white, hence his faculties of sympathy and understanding are limited somewhat. In the past, when we communicated, he couldn’t unravel the signals I was sending; if I elevated my ‘Mayday’ from anything other than a plaintive form, which fell outside his bandwidth, he reacted with his default state – anger. Consequently there would be an exponential escalation … Whenever I have subsequently tried to allude to this cycle of events he accuses me of ‘never letting go of the past’ or of ‘sniping about the past’ – it’s a no win situation for me.
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SitOnTheCat 
Thanks again, again Susie 🙂
Matt
Thanks Kotev – you and Susie have been very supportive – as usual. I appreciate it.
Matt